YOU MUST BE EFFIN’ JOKING!

It’s not pretty watching a grown man cry, but I’m fairly close to tears right now.
So … CALLING ALL iPHONE USERS:

I’ve managed to lock myself out of my iPhone. I changed the password after the girls figured out yet ANOTHER one, but the very next time I tried to get into the phone, it told me I’ve got the password wrong.
I can’t believe I messed up the change, but nonetheless I’ve tried Capitalising it, mis-spelling it, typing the old one again in case the change hadn’t processed, etc., etc.
But now it’s locking me out for increasing amounts of time after each failed attempt, and I’ve been warned by one ex-user “For God’s sake don’t get to ten failed attempts or the phone will wipe itself”. Um, *ULP*, I can’t be far off that point.

Anybody know what I do now? I can’t find free online advice, and I can’t find it in the hundreds of pages of online service manual.

I need the phone tomorrow.

HELP, PLEEEEEEEEEASSSSSSSEE!!!!

UPDATE ********* UPDATE

Ee, could you all feel that Beaufort Force 8 sigh of relief just then?

Given that you have to put in a new password twice accurately in order to change it, I asked myself the question “What could I possibly have mis-typed twice in a row?”

I changed the last letter “r” in my intended new password for the adjacent “t” on the qwerty, gritted my teeth and hit OK . . . SUCCESS!!!

I’m back in, and I promise to concentrate on one thing at once in future.

OK, so I finally succumbed and took a bite from the Apple: got myself an iPhone4S. But it’s taken me less than a week to realise I haven’t got a scooby how to do anything on it, apart from play Yahtzee on a free download app that’s now annoying the shit out of me by causing the phone to beep incoming messages that turn out to be unwanted ads at all hours of the night.

My friendly-neighbourhood T-Mobile store bloke took pity on me and got my 1200+ Contacts transferred, and I have somewhat decluttered the homescreen, but that’s about as far as I’ve got.
It turns out I need two new email addresses, three new accounts, and Gawd knows what else. What the hell’s the difference between an iCloud account, an Apple ID and an iTunes Sign-in anyway??

I can’t get the Snooze right on the alarm; I can’t import my own wallpaper; I can’t pick a ringtone from my own music … I haven’t even dare TRY the camera yet!

The iPhone won’t talk to my [temporary] Bluetooth carphone thingy, or to the Parrot kit in Julie’s car at all.

A 7-year-old had to show me how to put it on silent when we were at the Beeb last weekend, FFS! I have gratefully received the tip that applications never close, but merely hide and continue to run unseen unless you expose and close them, and I’ve committed how to do that to memory, but I’d never have found that on my own in a million years!

The User Guide is now paperless, i.e. I have to access it on the phone, which by definition means I’m not in the function I want to learn how to use, and by the time I’ve stumbled back to the right place, I’ve invariably forgotten how to do what I wanted in the first place.

It would therefore appear I don’t have any Apple-logic grey matter in my hurting head. So gimme some tips here, iPhone users. I’ll take and try whatever you’ve got that you think I’ll find useful.

In particular, I want my ringtone back. How do I get UFO’s Only You Can Rock Me to play as calls come in without having to buy again a song I already own about a dozen times?